The Adventures of Jane, Marley and Cat

So, I saw Twilight. A week ago.  I think I liked it.  I mean, it’s an okay book, a good story, with obvious literary flaws, but I liked the movie.

Bella was appropriately sullen and whiney.  Edward was appropriately beautiful and I was only slightly disappointed that I couldn’t smell him.  There were other MAJOR casting flaws, like Rosalie, who is supposed to be so beautiful but instead has an ass the size of New Mexico.  And Jasper who looked like Edward Scissorhands on DRUGS… oh and Jacob who is neither cute nor native.

And then I saw Stephenie on Ellen.

Because I am inherently a shallow and not a nice person I had the following thoughts:

1. “Oh, so rich people don’t automatically become thin because even expensive personal trainers cannot keep them from eating ice cream at 2 a.m. when they are writing a new scene in their book.”
2. “Stephenie’s personality is like some Spiritual Living teacher who is a ‘special spirit’.”
3. “Ellen is really bored with her, but she’s a lesbian and doesn’t get that Edward is the perfect boyfriend, because she doesn’t want a perfect boyfriend.”
4. “Stephenie needs to hire a personal assistant with taste.”

And then I realized that I had sour grapes because I hadn’t written the book and if I had it likely would have been better written, and then I realized that God loves her more because he gave her the dream about a sparkly vampire in the meadow and I only dreamed about Rush Limbaugh.  And God knows that teenage girls and women don’t want to read a romance novel about Rush Limbaugh, so I’m basically screwed.

So I changed the channel. That was the best thing to do given the circumstances.

My new favorite post about the movie: Nat the fat Rat: Why Twilight the Movie is better than Twilight the Book.

Tags: Fat People United, Lesbians don't get Edward, Rush Limbaugh is not romance material, So bitchy I can't help it

1. I didn’t put a bra on all weekend.
2. The brined turkey was perfect.
3. I forgot to take the rolls out of the freezer, but they still rose in time.  It was an Easter moment on Thanksgiving.
4. I totally spaced the Brussels Sprouts.  We at NOTHING green.
5. Today is the last day of sugar and carbs, and frankly I’m not feeling well.
6. I spent most of the weekend in bed on pain pills with an exploding ovarian cyst.
7. Hallmark and Lifetime movies aren’t so bad when you’re on pain pills.
8. Did ZERO shopping.
9. Putting up Christmas decorations and realize I can’t find any f’$*($(*ing ornament hangers.
10. I have to go back to work tomorrow and it doesn’t seem so bad.
11. The Sweet Potato Balls weren’t good.  Will skip them next year.
12. There is never enough gravy, so I’m making more for left-overs tonight.

Tags: Braless in Orem, Sappy Christmas Movies, Thankskiving

My sister is the queen of lists and preparation, which is why she is a great hostess and cook.  In an attempt to make this holiday much less stressful, I now present:

The Thanksgiving Countdown

Thursday:

Make Pies

Bake and mash sweet potatoes and prep mixture

Cut and cook onions for stuffing

Brine Turkey

Friday

8:45                    Finish stuffing and take out frozen rolls (WHAT? You thought I made them? Be serious!)

9:00                    Oven on to high, stuff and prep bird

9:30                    Bird In (cook 5 – 51/2 hours)

(This is my favorite part about Thanksgiving.  FIVE hours of doing nothing or something, but NOT COOKING)

2:45                    Prep Pots – begin cooking

3:00                    Bird Out, Make Gravy

3:00                    Sweet Potato Balls In

3:30                    Rolls In, Brussels Sprouts cooking

3:45                    Carve the bird and plate everything

4:00                    Eat

Ham warming – 1 hour  This will take place at Julia’s apartment, because I only have one oven.  Why does God hate me and only give me ONE oven?  I need two at a minimum, and possibly THREE OVENS.  But, if I had THREE OVENS I would be expected to actually use them… for things like baking and what not.  Yeah, I’ll just pray for two.

Tags: Add new tag, Channeling Carolyn, Nasa couldn't do it better, Thanksgiving