This post appears on Maternal Alchemy
Linda and I went Visiting Teaching last night, and on our way back she posed a question to me. “What did we do wrong?”
What she was referring to was the question we have been discussing for months. How is it that there are women out there whose husbands cater to their every need, their every want and desire, and yet we have been the bread-winners, the workers, the leaders in our families for years?
What did we do wrong?
We laughed for a moment, but then we both pondered the question. I suggested it was because we were too strong, too independent, too controlling. “No”, Linda reminded me, “Susy (her name has been changed) is very controlling. That’s not it.” Susy’s husband just bought her a new $60,000 car. She wanted it, she got it.
Why didn’t we marry men who believed that women should stay home, have their every need and want met, and should be given a credit card with unlimited funds?
Now, I’m not saying I would have been happier that way… I’m just curious as to why I didn’t get that?
Of course, the answer is simple. I didn’t want that. I came from a mother who worked, who loved to work, and who made her way in the world. She was known as a genius in her field, a field that was dominated by nerdy men. She was my example, my hero. Why wouldn’t I desire to work, to make my way in the world? She taught me, “You don’t need a man.” Somehow I translated that into, “You don’t need a man to ‘take care of you’, so do it yourself.” I wish I’d had a little different dictionary.
I have worked for many men who have Poo-Poo princesses as wives. These were gorgeous, blonde, fit, women who spend their lives shopping, redecorating, and shuffling their children around in expensive cars. They get their nails done, spend hours at the gym, and have housekeepers. The husband wants a trophy, the wife wants his money. It’s a beautiful arrangement. They are independent, strong women. They are controlling. What is the difference?
It isn’t just a question of money. It’s more the attitude of the husband that says, “I will provide. I will take care of you. I will be sure you are safe and cared for.” Somehow I missed that element. This is not to say that my husband doesn’t want those things for me… it’s that we both seem to be the one saying that.
I guess this is something that Linda and I will be discussing for some time. In the meanwhile, I’ll take my last $5 and buy me a sandwich for lunch. It is my need and desire.
