Oct 30 2005
Alone with Verdi and Percy
Marge has gone off to teach, and I am Alone in Long Beach, which isn’t the same as Sleepless in Seattle. I have the Verdi Requiem going full blast and I have a hairy dog at my feet.
I am in heaven.
Last night Marge and I went to friend Madeline’s home in the Valley. Madeline and I have been friends since I was 13, which was about 67 years ago. She is happily married to the Great Hungarian and has two delightful children who are the ages of my John and Julia. We ate food that the Great Hungarian prepared (which as my son John says is like eating at a restaurant where people pay hundreds of dollars). He definitely lived up to his reputation last night.
When I am at Madeline’s house I am comfortable. Her house is filled with comfortable clutter: books, music, instruments, more books, kitchen gadgets, animals, and what nots. Her home is what I always imagined mine would be like, but I am pondering today why mine is not like hers. How is it that I have denuded my home of the things I truly love? I have books, but they have been pared down over the years from too many moves. I have music, but no means to play it while I am home, and people who wouldn’t tolerate Verdi for more than 3 minutes. I don’t have animals because I rent… but I long for the companionship of a dog.
I ponder this because I realize that I am on the verge of (once again) redefining my life and what it looks like. There is nothing like being suddenly unemployed to give you the time and the space to contemplate what it is that you want in your life. So here is today’s list of what I want in my life:
1. Pretty sure I want to keep the husb and kids. 
2. I want creativity and love and laughter as a constant tide in my life and in my home.
3. I want to have time with my husb and children to deepen those relationships. They are pretty good right now, but there is always room for improvement.
4. As long as I am listing things… I want sufficient money so I can come visit those whom I love, like Marge and Madeline, among others. Hecky darn, I want sufficient money to have what I need, give away to those who need more, and to have the freedom to play more.
5. I want a job that won’t consume all my time and energy, but will pay me commensurate with my skills and talents and contribution.
6. I want to prioritize that which is truly important to me: family, spirituality, creativity, love, music, etc. and not allow things to interfere with those priorities. I know that with the Evil Job I tended to be consumed and those things which were important took second or third place.
7. I want a job where I can learn new things, be in a new environment, with new kinds of situations.
8. I want more music in my home and in my life.
9. I would like to develop a talent I haven’t previously had. Whether that is programming, or photography, or whatever, I want to open a new vista.
10. I want to be more honest, more open, more intimate, more present, more real, more happy, more connected…. I want more of myself to show up every day.
Like I said.. this is only today’s list. I am sure there will be more.
