The Adventures of Jane, Marley and Cat

I am now finished with my obsession with bras.

It’s safe to read my blog again.

Why does the back on my bra ride up?
Expert Says: The bra is too loose around, try a smaller band size, but remember the cup size will have to change as well.

I say: Because your hump isn’t big enough.

Why am I bulging out of my bra?
Expert Says: Try a larger cup size, but keep the same band size.

I say: Because you bought your bra at Victoria Secret.

Why do I always fall out the bottom of my bra?
Expert Says: One of 2 reasons 1)Your cups are not large enough or deep enough therefore a larger cup size is required or 2)the band is too loose allowing your breasts to fall below the bra, a smaller band is then required. Or a combination of the two.

I say: Because of gravity. Duh.

How do I get lift without pushup pads?
Expert Says: If you wear a bra which fits correctly you will receive lift without padding.

I say: Dr. 90210.

Why do the underwires hurt me?
Expert Says: Usually, it’s because you’re wearing the wrong size thus allowing the wire to dig into the breast, you would need a larger cup to allow the wire enough width around the breast, or if the bra is too loose around allowing it ride up, it will allow the wire to dig into the ribcage, There are, however, some clients who are extremely sensitive and just cannot wear underwires at all. In these cases I would recommend the client choose soft cup bras instead.

I say: Because they were invented by men.

Why do my shoulder straps always fall down?
Expert Says: Many of my clients have sloping shoulders thus causing the bra to continuously slip down, we offer styles that are designed to eliminate shoulder straps from falling. If your shoulders are not sloping try tightening the straps SLIGHTLY to prevent slippage.

I say: Because you haven’t wrapped your straps around your neck tightly enough.

Why should I buy a bra for $50 when I can buy one for $20?
Expert Says: I recommend to my clients to purchase what is comfortable, whichever cost that may be. Please do not compromise your comfort for a little savings if you find the more expensive bra more comfortable. And also, you do get what you pay for. The more expensive bra will last longer.

I say: Because you love to spend your husband’s money, B.

How do I care for my bra?
Expert says: If you want the bra to last, NEVER, EVER wash them in the washing machine, even the delicate cycle is very harsh on a bra. Hand wash and hang to dry. Your bra should be washed after every wearing as your body oils will deteriorate the synthetic fibres.

I say: Oh GROSS!

I spent an hour and a half in a modern torture chamber yesterday. At 3:01 p.m. I strode into Dillards prepared to purchase a bra exactly like the one I was wearing. However, I was hunted down like a wild animal by the evil Carol, Breast Trainer.

Carol takes her job very seriously. She has a measuring tape that she uses to measure every conceivable position on one’s breast. She wants to be absolutely sure that the bra purchased is the “best bra” for the customer.

So I try on bras. Now this is not as simple as putting your arms through the holes and your boobs in the cups. Oh no. This is graduate level bra application. You have to “bend over and move all the breast tissue forward into the cups”. (That is a verbatim quote. Then I stood up and adjusted the bra. The Breast Trainer said, “No! Never, never pull on the front of your bra. It will readjust your breast tissues.” (I swear, she actually said that!)

She explained to me that my bra rides up because it was the wrong size. Who knew?? (I have also added expert commentary on bra sizing in the post above)

I want you to know I tried on 24 bras! I think I bought the one I did simply to get her to shut up and leave me along.

Here’s the real pisser, bummer: I walked in a 40B and left a 40 D!!!!How the hell did that happen?

Here is an online bra fitting clinic. Bra Fitting Clinic